Twenty-plus years ago (ouch) when I was in college, dating went something like this:

Hi, I’m Angela. Hi, I’m Marcos (he was a Brazilian soccer player…sigh), can I have your number? I then looked for a pen and a piece of paper, wrote down said number, and waited for him to call me when I was physically near my phone in my dorm room. Then, we had a conversation, which ended like this: Angela, would you like to go out with me? (insert squeal of girlish delight here) When I explained this scenario to Aylin Buyruk, her face wrinkled in disbelief and she said: “Wow. That sounds prehistoric and very, very scary”. So, how does love, lust and dating happen today? From meeting that perfect someone to ending it (it’s me, not you), what’s dating like for our TU/e students?

The scout-out

Adrian Yankov (23) is from Bulgaria and getting his master’s in the Department of Mathematics and Computer Science. Even though he met his girlfriend at a party, he didn’t ask for her number but rather used Facebook to contact her afterwards. “I could find her on Facebook because she was at my friend’s party. We have a mutual friend so that made it easier.” (And he means “friend” in the Facebook sense.)

Aylin Buyruk says Facebook is the crucial first step for scouting someone out. “You stalk him first on Facebook and try to see if you have any friends in common. Then you try to figure if there are events that he’s going to and you try to go too. Then you can try to find an excuse to talk to him. It’s easier if their whole lives are online.”

And when Facebook ‘stalking’, there’s one line of information everyone looks at first, says Alexandre König Dos Santos (24) of Portugal (bachelor’s of Electrical Engineering). “If you’re interested, then you look at her relationship status first. Then you check her pictures and newsfeed.”  

According to a recent article by Psychology Today, our students aren’t alone in their habits. If we’re single, most of us are using Facebook to make the process of finding that perfect someone a bit smoother: ‘[It] makes it easier and quicker for people to filter out potential partners who spark little interest or compatibility. Rather than waiting until the third date to realize that a person is not a good match for you, Facebook instantly provides information about the potential partner’s interests and hobbies’.

Nobody calls, EVER

You don’t. I don’t. Heck, our moms barely call us anymore. From Millennials to Gen Xers (old school Baby Boomers still tend to call, apparently), hardly anyone these days uses a telephone for an authentic, I-can-hear-your-voice conversation. Adrian Yankov explains why dating and calling don’t mix for him: “It’s less stressful to write somebody - you can think before you write. When you’re on the phone, your thoughts need to be flowing. If you get stuck, it can be embarrassing and you have to have courage as well.”

“The last time I called a friend”, laughs Aylin Buyruk, “he refused my call and sent a text - Why are you calling me? These days it seems like we’re all scared of talking on the phone. I think it’s partly because you always have it with you so there’s no escape. If you need to tell someone something, then you send a text and they can read it when they have a free moment. You don’t have to bother them.”

But what about heavier conversations like disagreements and full-on fights with your beloved? Adrian Yankov’s girlfriend is from Lithuania and sometimes they’re apart during vacations. But even then, he says calling is used in emergency-only situations. “If it gets serious, then yes, I’ll call her - probably first through Facebook. And if she’s really mad, she won’t pick up. Then you need to use the phone.”

From flirting to Facebook official

Although, Facebook and texting are the standards for getting to know someone, some students do still prefer to do things the old-fashioned way. “If I meet someone and things go well, then I get her number and we chat through WhatsApp”, explains Alexandre, “but I prefer face-to-face. Things go better for me. When you’re face-to-face, you have facial expressions, you have touching.”

For the uninitiated, the speed of flirting in the always-connected dating world can feel whiplash-fast. Alexandre explains: “If you meet someone and message them two hours later and they don’t answer, then you assume they’re not just ignoring you. But three-to-four hours - then you start wondering. If it takes 24 hours for them to write back, then it’s dying. Jump off the ship, save your life.”

And going ‘Facebook official’ - in other words, changing that all-important status line - is the gold standard for announcing your relationship to the world. “After a month and a half, I changed my relationship status because it was very important for her”, says Adrian about his live-in girlfriend. “She was very happy because other girls would see it and know they had to stay away from me. She was insisting on it for a week.”

The breakup

Imagine you’ve been talking to someone for a while - flirting, sending messages, exchanging long, lingering looks over coffee and then - poof! - they disappear into thin air. No more messages. No more contact of any kind. It’s called ghosting and though it was possible back in the prehistoric dating days of the 90s, the lines today are arguably more blurred. When do good manners dictate that you break-up in person? And are people more tempted to treat each other impersonally when the majority of flirting happens online?

“I remember when that function came in [blue checks on WhatsApp that indicate someone has read a message],” explains Aylin Buyruk, continuing, “The girl I know who ghosted somebody - at first, she just ignored him completely. But when he kept sending messages, she opened all of them so he could see that she’d seen them and he’d get the message.”

In keeping with his face-to-face dating philosophy, Alex Köning Dos Santos is adamant that a real breakup should happen in person. “You shouldn’t be dating if you don’t have the balls to end it. Total rejection by cutting off contact? You’re killing someone’s self-confidence.” But like other Millennials who only know dating of the digital variety, he questions where the line is, “How long do you have to date to make it breaking up? If I’ve dated someone for more than two weeks, then I go face-to-face. Before that? I would probably just not answer their messages. Or I’d wait the right amount of time to give the hint that it’s not going to happen. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, of course, but face-to-face is harder. You feel worse because you can see the person’s face as you’re rejecting them.”

Whether online or off, Aylin jokes that dating isn’t easy no matter how you do it at TU/e, “It’s a technical university so it’s full of geeks and awkward, nerdy boys. Everyone thinks that we’re surrounded by guys so dating should be easy. It’s not. They usually don’t know how to talk to girls. So if shy isn’t your type, you’re screwed.”