Curious about the sex lives of TU/e students? Want to see how you stack up against the Dutch? Of course you are. No need to be shy. It’s almost a universal truth that many of us are fascinated by the horizontal happenings of others. So, here’s your chance to satisfy your thirst for knowledge (you ARE an academic after all, right?) and have a peek into what your fellow international students are up to between the sheets. But first, some info about the Dutch: 

Generally speaking, the Netherlands is often held up by sex educators as a model for teaching young people about sex. Comprehensive sex education is wide-spread, thorough and effective. The Netherlands enjoys low teenage pregnancy rates and low rates of STDs. All this despite the fact that Dutch young people are having sex. According to a 2012 Dutch study of sexual activity conducted by Rutgers, an international center for sexual and reproductive health and rights, 70.5% of Dutch men and 77.1% of Dutch women between the ages of 19-24 are sexually active. The study noted that first sexual contact with a partner ‘usually concerned French kissing. At age 14.1, 50% of young people had experience with French kissing. Light petting was usually the second step, with a median age of 15.2. About one year later, at age 16.3, about half of the adolescents experienced manual stimulation of the genitals and at age 17.1, half of the adolescents experienced sexual intercourse and oral sex’.

Young Dutch people value a link between love and sex. Dutch boys and girls (83% and 75%, respectively) said that if a couple is in love, sex is totally okay. If the boy and the girl were in a steady relationship, those numbers increased - 91% of boys and 90% of girls believed that it was okay to have sexual intercourse.

So, how does this compare to the beliefs and practices of TU/e’s international students? Below is an anonymous glimpse into the sex lives of three students from widely differing backgrounds. (The students’ names have been changed to protect their privacy.)

The Philosophical Virgin

Niko is 22 and from the Middle East. He’s lived in Holland for three years. He’s attractive, charming, and has “fought a civil war in his mind” about his choice to remain a virgin. He’s thought deeply about love, lust and relationships and his views diverge from societal norms. “I think any relationship is amoral because you have to put limitations on someone’s life. To make a relationship work, the other person has to spend a lot of time with you. They have to spend more time with you then doing the things they’d be doing if they were single - hanging out with friends, getting involved with hobbies, that kind of thing. I don’t like the idea of limiting someone.”

How does this belief affect his sex life - or lack thereof? “Maybe I shouldn’t say that I’ve had so many chances to have sex because people will think ‘no sane person would reject the chance to have sex’. But the future I see for myself is rather complicated. If you ask the average person, they’ll say ‘I want to get married, have children,’ but for me, one scenario is that I won’t get married and I even might not ever have sex. It has to be with the right person. It has to be emotional. It isn’t something you do with just anyone. Well, unless, of course, that ‘anyone’ is a supermodel”, a naughty smirk crossing his face, “I wouldn’t think twice if Christiano Ronaldo’s ex-girlfriend wanted me.”

And what has he noticed about sex in Holland that’s drastically different than his own cultural background? “It’s a very open society in terms of sexual relations. And some Dutch girls aren’t like girls - they’re more like guys when it comes to sex. They’re really up for having one night stands.”

The Monogamist Libertine

Sylvie is 21 and from a European country much further east than the Netherlands. She lost her virginity in Eindhoven and is still in a relationship with her first. Though she feels most comfortable with monogamy, she’s what you might call a libertine. For instance, she and her boyfriend have a long distance relationship and discussed whether they should remain exclusive. “We said it’s kind of stupid for us not to sleep with other people because we’re so far away from each other. But then I just couldn’t do it because I feel guilty.” But Sylvie also admits it’s difficult at times to remain faithful now that she’s sexually active - especially since she’s bisexual. “Before coming to the Netherlands, I thought maybe I was asexual. It was hard for me to find someone attractive. But now that I’m sexually active? Whoooooo, I find everyone attractive.”

Sylvie good-naturedly lists some of the differences she’s noticed between her home country and the Netherlands when it comes to male-female relations: “Dutch people don’t have a mating call. They want to get into a relationship but they don’t know how to find someone. Or if they do like someone, they don’t know how to approach them. There’s just no suitable conduct.” She says a male friend also explained one Dutch mindset that bleeds over into relationships: “He said the Dutch have a task-oriented culture. So, if they have to choose between a relationship and work, they’ll choose work. He said, ‘If I have a deadline in two days and I also have to go to my friend’s birthday party - I will choose my deadline instead of the party.”  

The Bisexual Monogamist

Lily, 21, is from a conservative Asian culture and, as a double whammy, spent her formative years at a conservative Catholic school. She lost her virginity in her home country when she was 18. “It was a big deal. A lot of my friends wanted to wait until they were married. They thought it was more socially acceptable. But I was ready. I have no regrets.”

Her first months in the Netherlands were fraught with tension. “When I first moved here, I didn’t have my period for three months. I thought I was pregnant. I didn’t know how things worked here. I didn’t even know where to find a pregnancy test. And there was no way I could tell my mom what was going on. In the end, I got an appointment with a gynecologist and I found out it was stress.”

Lily has a boyfriend and happily reveals it’s a sexual relationship. “I’m having more sex than my friends - definitely more than my immediate circle. Three of my friends are still virgins. It (lack of sexual activity, ed.) really does have something to do with being at a technical university.” She’s also thrilled that this relationship is more sexually fulfilling than her first. “He’s really good. That means that I get a turn, too. That wasn’t a thing before with the first guy. I didn’t have too many orgasms with him.”

Despite her ultra-conservative upbringing, like Sylvie, Lily also identifies as bisexual - though places more importance on sexual monogamy than sexual exploration. “I had a friend that was really into me. I was at her place and she said she had a backache so I offered to give her a massage. Suddenly, she turned around and started to make out with me. But I didn’t do anything because she had a boyfriend. Monogamy is important to me. There are definite lines there.”

Like many internationals, Lily’s cultural background is considerably more conservative than the Dutch students around her. However, her thoughts on the topic might reflect what many others feel about their burgeoning sex lives: “The expectation in my culture is that you have one sex partner. Most of my friends back home definitely think that way. But how do you compare if it’s just one? How do you know if it could be better?”

Was your curiosity satiated? Or would you like to know more? Unfortunately, no research has been conducted on the sexual beliefs and activities of foreigners studying in Holland. But to learn more about the Dutch and their inherent openness in regards to this topic, go check out the www.rutgers.international/.