Advisor Internationalization Willem van Hoorn helps staff and their spouses adjust to life at TU/e and sees the problem first-hand. “Often there isn’t a big gap in education levels between the employee and his or her partner. And if an engineer brings an engineer, then chances are high that that person will be able to find a job. But when the spouse is a lawyer or doctor or something that doesn’t translate easily to the Netherlands, that’s when you have problems.”

Seda Başkurt is one such spouse who left behind a fulfilling job in mental healthcare. “I cried so much. I said to my co-workers ‘I don’t want to hand in my keys! I want to work here!’. I feel useless not working. I was someone and now I’m no one. No one needs me.” Her husband, Furkan, echoes her frustration, “it’s one of our biggest problems. She wants to study clinical psychology. But she needs to speak Dutch and we need to find tuition money for her”.

“Accompany spouses face real obstacles in finding meaningful things to do”, explains Van Hoorn, “and that can raise identity questions. They can begin to think ‘Who am I if I can’t work and contribute something?’ People often say ‘Just give me something useful to do!’”.

So, what happens to a couple when they move abroad? If one partner is struggling with the transition, what sort of influence does this have on the relationship as a whole? Psychologist Suzana Cvetković outlines the process, “the trailing spouse needs to make a leap of faith for her partner, facing the insecurity of the unknown. She’ll have to do it with whatever opportunities she can still find for herself. It is uncertain if that will be enough to compensate for everything she left behind. Without peace and fulfilment, the relationship gets under pressure”.

Yolanda Smith recalls her feelings soon after her move, “I started thinking about what would make me happy. I’ve always wanted to have children and I thought ‘This is the perfect time. I have nothing to do.’ That was an interesting topic to bring up in such a new relationship!”.

Muttalip says the stress of the first months was difficult for him too. “She had some hard times in the beginning. It, of course, affected me as well. At this point a man's duty is to keep his wife or spouse happy because no man can be happy if his partner is not. I believe passing through this phase together made us see that we can overcome problems when we stick to each other.”

According to researchers, “sticking to each other” is what can make or break an expat couple’s life abroad. One key study by Yvonne McNulty outlines some of the factors at play for couples when they move to a new country. According to her research, “‘a strong marriage’ was perceived by trailing spouses to be an important factor in coping with international life. A move abroad can either reconfirm the couple bond due to an increased reliance on each other for social and psychological support, or it can place a strain on a relationship that may lead to separation or divorce”.

Christian and Corinna Ottmann (Department of Biomedical Engineering) might have only moved 150 kilometers away from their native Dortmund, Germany to come to TU/e but Corinna, who also has a PhD in Biomedical Engineering, left behind her support network and a job she liked for Christian’s associate professor position. Luckily, their marriage has also adapted to the strains of life abroad, “we’re working more together to organize everything”, explains Corinna. Christian concurs: “The most important thing is to be involved in the day-to-day life of your partner. Don’t do these 10-12 hour days and ignore what’s going on at home. Otherwise, there’s a real danger that it crashes”.

Seda and Furkan Başkurt think coming to the Netherlands could even be a positive step for their new marriage. “If we were in Turkey or the US, I think I would spend more time with my family and friends and I might not get to know him so well”, says Seda. Furkan agrees: “We don’t have any relatives here and I think this makes us be more together and share things with each other”.

So, where’s the happy silver lining in the dark, Dutch clouds for these trailing spouses? Can following your love to TU/e also be a positive step? Russians Nastya Redko and Anton Litke (Chemical Engineering) say yes. Though she’s had her ups and downs like any new expat, Nastya appreciates the freedom of life abroad. “I feel easier here than I did in Russia. Back home, I felt a lot of pressure from parents and friends. I heard ‘When will you get married?’. And now I hear ‘When will you have kids?’. But I hear it less here. I think if I was back in Russia, I would have already had a baby. Here I can think for myself. I can plan what I want to do this year and next year.”

“Being in another country presents lots of new opportunities”, says Cvetković. “Not being able to do what you’ve been doing in your home country opens the possibility to try new things. You are turning towards your talents and interests, exploring which occupation would satisfy you. That way you are expanding as a person and you are redefining, reinventing yourself.”

Luckily, TU/e has also recognized that the accompanying partner’s happiness has a real impact on the success of its researchers.  “After we had lost three promising scholars in one year, we realized we had to do something”, explains Willem van Hoorn. “We had to go beyond a Dutch taboo -our separation of work and private life- and find something to help the accompanying spouse.”

Part of the solution has been to invite spouses to the university’s introduction days and to link them with Indigo Wereld’s ‘Get in Touch’ program: a local program created specifically for the spouses of international knowledge workers. Nastya Redko says it’s been vital to helping her create a more fulfilling life in Eindhoven. “Without the Get in Touch program, it would be much more difficult. When I first arrived, I thought ‘Everyone is so different culturally. I probably won’t get along with anyone but Russians’. But then we had a talk about what everyone does when they feel sad and I saw that we all have the same emotions and we do the same things. You see that our differences aren’t so big.”

Her husband Anton sums up their strategy for adapting to their new lives in Eindhoven: “We came here to change something. So if you come here, you need to change. That’s the whole point of coming abroad - the point is to explore something new”.

For her part, Seda Başkurt says that she tries to balance her dark days with a perseverance to find her place in Holland. “If you’re in a place of being negative, then it’s very hard to feel positive. But even though it’s hard, the best thing to do is to try. You just have to try.”